a year or so ago. Feeling passionate about societal issues at the time, I really wanted to put my opinion out there to the world.
At the time, I had just moved myself and my family to Abbotsford, BC from Calgary, Ab. I was unemployed but still feeling inspired. I managed to write out a few blogs and then it happened. I happened to garner a little bit of fame, especially after I wrote a piece on bullying titled - Thoughts from a Bully. I then was asked by a couple of websites to feature my story as well as being invited out to speak on my struggles in front of a live audience.
I freaked out when that happened, panicked and not in a good way, and then I simply stopped. Stopped writing, stopped tweeting and stopped all media output of my passions and beliefs.
For some reason or another, I stopped believing in myself and in my ability to contribute.
Even though I had walked away from my dark past about 10 yrs or so ago, I still had demons that had followed me. Demons of self doubt, of low confidence.
A dark cloud came over me.
How did this happen?
After I stopped blogging, I then started a new job working as a Residential Supervisor for a youth who happened to be a high profile case.
The job paid about 8-10 dollars per hour more than other positions of the same within the Human Services field because of the high profile of the client involved. I took on the case because of the money but also because of the possible career opportunities that it might have created for me in the future.
The job and the politics of this case burned me out quick but I hung on and kept a smile going. I was a ray of sunshine and support for those around me. It did dawn on me early on that there were a lot of hands in the pot per say regarding this particular case and with that many hands involved, it was difficult at times to properly treat the client. A lot of great ideas but too many ideas that often conflicted with one another.
Me being mostly a front line staff, my views and opinions weren't met with open arms by the professionals in charge above me who also had to answer to other agencies involved.
And don't get me started on the white collar politics involved. Staff being supportive in front of each other and then quickly running to the boss to tell on small mistakes or to bash their colleagues in hopes of having that said person fired. All because they wanted more money and to be promoted.
There was quite a few folks on the team that did not know the definition of teamwork.
It was gross and disgusting, I've felt for a very longtime that white collar politics don't belong in the Human Services field.
After about a year, the program started to unravel and I requested a release.
It has taken me about 2 weeks just to shake off the negativity and bad energy from working there.
And now we are here and I am writing this blog as I reflect on my time since my last writing.
I feel like I was in a bit of a shadow this past year, working and being present with my family but not really.
I suppose that in my reflection, thinking about my career thus far in this field and my past as a drug using alcoholic street chump. I saw bad things, really bad things. I even did really bad things and they till haunt me.
Seeing death always shook me up the most.
I miss my old friends who have died from the life style that the streets offered. Drug overdoses, suicides or other reasons that were street related.
It still haunts me from time to time.
How did I make it and they couldn't? Some of them were way more intelligent and talented than I am and that's not knocking myself. I'm a pretty smart guy.
It just doesn't seem fair.
But I'm still standing here and I know it's gotta be for something more.
I can still hear that voice inside me saying "Keep Going".
So I do, I keep going.
In hope of not being better just for myself but in being better for those around me.
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