I never want that voice in my head to leave..

There's this voice inside my head and no it's not telling me crazy things such as to kill people or that the government is plotting conspiracies, although I do think that an aluminum foil hat is hilarious  and would love to see the look on people's faces if I was ever to walk down the street with one on, I get a kick out of people's reactions at times.

I don't know if it's God, an angel on my shoulder, my spirit talking to me or whatever other entity there are out there.

I remember when I was about 6 or 7. I was playing with my cousin who was a bit on the chubby side, in his family living room when I decided to lie under this glass coffee table that was in the middle of the room.  I remember looking up at the ceiling and daydreaming when my porky cousin decided to climb onto the coffee table and dance. I giggled as watched the bottom of his feet and his body jiggle as he danced.

Then it happened, something told me to move..NOW!! and as I rolled away from the table I heard a crash and watched on as my cousin crashed through the table, his feet getting cut up in the process. I was horrified and after calming down it dawned one me, how much I would of been cut up had I ignored that voice and stayed underneath that glass table.  Those shards could of penetrated me.  I might not even be here today.

This voice has stayed with me through the course of my life, always protecting me in times of danger or urging me on when I'm down.  Whether it's told me to stop before stepping onto the street and getting hit by a car ( had a couple of close calls with that one), or when I've been drunk and passed out in an alley, it urging me to get up and go somewhere safe.  I can't count how many times it's saved me.

I can't tell you how grateful I am of this voice.

I don't know who or what this voice is but because of it, I've gone onto help countless people, it's urged me on in times of emergency.

I was working my first month at the Calgary Drop In Centre, a homeless shelter that helps in excess of 1200 clients daily, when I heard clients speaking of a man who had been hit by a car just off the property. Knowing the policy of not leaving the property while on duty, I asked my boss on what to do and he suggested we keep camera's on it and call 911.  I then went back out to the floor and then heard whispers of this same man being stabbed.  I just had to find out what was really happening to this man, his life was apparently in danger.. Not knowing what was going on and getting frustrated with the time it was taking emergency vehicles to get there, the voice urged me to go and help this man. I radio'd to staff that I was going to check on him and if anyone wanted to assist they were welcome to help.

I got outside and found the man across the street with some clients trying to help him.  The man stated that he was stabbed in the stomach, so I ripped open his shirt and immediately saw his intestines coming out.  It was surreal.  First Aid never trained me for this shit.  Part of me thought it was a joke as there was really no blood.  It looked as if someone had taken animal intestines and placed them on his stomach.  I couldn't even find the hole they were falling out of but I put on my vinyl gloves, grabbed them and held them from falling out any more than they had.  A few other staff members came out to assist and radio'd for more help.

The man screamed and was terrified about dying, the voice urged me to keep him distracted, it was a good idea as I didn't want him to go into shock, so I asked him questions about his family, where he was from and so forth. This helped calm him a bit as he engaged in conversation with me.

At one point I turned to a senior staff member who had been around for nearly 10 yrs, I asked them if they had ever seen this before and they stated no.  This helped me afterwards because I thought about quitting that night but ended up staying for another 5 yrs after that.

The police were there in about 5 minutes which gave me a sense of relief as I thought they were going to takeover.  The constable looked at me and said I was doing good and went on to tape off the area.  Finally the ambulance came and the EMT's took over. 

I then went home for the day to play with my kids so that i could remind myself of life's most precious things.

The man went on to recuperate and came back to thank me months later.  It was a rewarding affirmation that I had done the right thing by listening to my voice and every time I saw him afterwards, it brought joy and reminded me of what good I could do when listening to that inner voice.

I could go on with many more tales but I'll save them for the weeks to come.

Even now, when I get docile and depressed in my life and yes, depression does hit me at times, and even in the darkest of those times, I can still hear that inner voice whisper "Keep moving forward!"

And I do, because there's more to do, I can feel it in my spirit.  I feel the sense to help, the urge to give back. 

I believe that in my darkest hours, it's only been the result of me not listening to my inner voice and it's clear that any past or present anger I experienced was at times, the extension of me fighting against my own spirit while it was screaming at me to push on.

It took me 37 yrs to come to this realization, and I'm just starting to figure out what it all means in the early chapters of my life but what I do know - we all have a purpose. And I believe that it is our obligation to find that purpose, and live it authentically.

“They say, Find a purpose in your life and live it. But, sometimes, it is only after you have lived that you recognize your life had a purpose, and likely one you never had in mind.” ― Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed

Life takes on a whole new meaning when you understand what guides you. And I want to live a purpose-driven life.