What in the heck is "Socially Acceptable"?

In a world of people constantly shoving their cultural, religious, personal and social beliefs down our throats, I gotta ask.

What in the heck is "Socially Acceptable"?

Apparently it's showing standards of behaviour that are socially and morally acceptable, atleast that was one of the meanings I got when I googled it.

But to whom is it acceptable?  Who exactly dictates such standards?  

And what gives them the right?  Especially in this culturally eclectic society that we reside in.  

We as humans are constantly shoving our own personal beliefs down each others throats with the expectations that those to whom we teach, should be basking in the brightness of our sheer genius; when in turn we don't even take the time to listen or try and learn about those around us.

To be honest, the whole term "Socially Acceptable" kind of peeves me.  

In my opinion, it sets a vague standard and excuses deliberate ignorance in the sense that people will use it as a reason to push their own morals and beliefs on others, without consideration of the morals and beliefs of those they are trying to teach.

Sounds like "Socially Acceptable" is fast becoming "Socially become what we want you to be".  How is that acceptable?

How do we as a society become so disillusioned, that our reality becomes so entrenched in believing that everyone must follow in what we believe to be true when in turn, we don't give thought to what the other has to offer?

We are selfish.

Selfishness is often veiled with good intentions and if we're not willing to learn off those around us and accept people for their beliefs and who they are.  How can we expect to try and change the world for the better when we're not willing to accept the better from the world we live in.

 

The Definition of Insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein

And what an insane world we live in. 

I'm sitting in my office today and a client walks in.

He has story that I've heard many times in my years as a front line worker in the Human Services field, and although his story is similar to many and it is still different than most.  

I sit and listen.

He has an addiction, something traumatic happened to him when he was younger and he couldn't cope with the tragedy and had turned to alcohol as a means to cope with his overwhelming emotions.  He had tried treatment many times.  Heck, he could even quote AA scripture to me and knew the "Big Book" inside out.  And yet, after years of treatment and relapsing, his longest run being sober was 18 months.

Sidenote - *This is not to say that AA doesn't work for everyone, it's actually been a successful approach for millions of now sober alcoholics.  My point is that repeating an approach that doesn't work for you is insanity within itself.

I listened to him talk a bit more about the reasons why he drank, and at some points in the conversation.  I found myself seeing his point.  He had burned bridges with friends and family, his health was failing and folks in the "street life" were constantly influencing him to do crime and drink with them.  

We even talked of his "triggers", such as things, people, events or emotions that initiate a craving for his addiction.

Now while you read this, you'd easily think that this guy might of pretty much made his own bed with the choices that he had made and now he should suffer the consequences of his choices and behavior.

But what if he didn't know that he had other choices?  What if this gentlemen was merely working off the knowledge he had grown up with and been trained in?

I asked him what he was seeking from me today and he stated that he would need help in finding housing, to be detoxed for a few days and then he'd be fine.  I asked him if this was what he usually did and he replied yes.  He sincerely wanted to be sober for good and out of the lifestyle he had become accustomed to.

I asked him if this was the way he usually "cleaned up" and he replied yes.  So then I replied with a question.  "If this plan hasn't worked for you in the past, what makes you think it will work this time after trying it many times over and failing at it?  This is insanity and you either need an  new idea or to add new tools to your arsenal so that when you do get overwhelmed with emotions, you can better deal with those emotions "hands on", and hopefully not turn to alcohol when triggered".

He agreed and asked how, so we talked about options and are now taking a step by step process so that we not only find him housing.  I will hopefully help him to successfully sustain that housing and not repeatedly become a victim of his addiction and misguided choices.

And this is a mere example of someone who has failed many times and a shadow of those who in turn have done the same.  Repeatedly doing the same thing over and over and yet expecting different results each time. 

If it doesn't work, why keep doing it?

How about we all try something new and today, even if it simply means doing something different in your routine.  If you're out of choices, then maybe ask someone else for their opinion.

You might not change the world today, but you could be taking a new step towards a better one.

Common Sense, Communication and the Perception of

I have learned some painful lessons about expectations and so called "common sense".


A guy in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting once told me “Expectations are premeditated resentments”.


I often think about that saying when I get a sense of expectation when dealing with people. Especially when I assume that people can read my mind or simply know what I want without me ever communicating it vocally. I guess I expect people around me to have magical powers, and yet they seem to fail me.


Of course I know that I am merely failing myself by assuming people will know what's going on in my mind and yet out of habit, I still do this and have to catch myself. I then correct this behaviour by communicating exactly what I'm thinking so that others are aware.

Through communicating I have noticed that other people have this trait and expectation of others as well. In all types of relationships or in everyday communication, we have an expectation that we never communicate and when the other person isn't receptive of our beliefs or thought processes. We all get mad at that so called ignorant person when they never know what's going on in the first place until we tell them.


In my own experience, common sense seems to be often misunderstood and has been cause for ridicule and judgement of others but what does it really mean?

What the heck is common sense anyhow?


Common sense is defined by Merriam-Webster as, "sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts."[1] Thus, "common sense" (in this view) equates to the knowledge and experience which most people already have, or which the person using the term believes that they do or should have. The Cambridge Dictionary defines it as, "the basic level of practical knowledge and judgment that we all need to help us live in a reasonable and safe way".[2]


So, in my understanding, it's the overall consensus and belief of anyone culture or living space. Now what if we're living in a country that is a cultural mosaic? Do we expect that people who are coming to this country from another part of the world with different beliefs, should simply have the so called “common sense” that we ourselves grew up with?


Heck even within Canada, from coast to coast, province to province. Common sense seems to differ and this is why we as people have got to get out of our own perceptions of what we believe to be undeniably right or wrong and accept that others can do different and have a different approach and still be right in what they do.


We live in a country where supposedly we are free to be whatever we make of ourselves, if we can figure out what that is. Since there are so many careers to pick from and switch to but that is a topic I'll talk about in the future.


My point is, get over yourselves and stop shoving your beliefs upon others and “expecting” that other people should just know your definition of right and wrong when it's you, who should step back and say. “Hey, maybe my way isn't the only way. Maybe others can keep doing what works for them”.


We are a demanding lot and yet even those who are aware of this, still have to catch and correct themselves. But we must, in order to have ourselves understood by the world and others around us. We must learn to vocalize our expectations and to also know when to be silent and accept others in their beliefs and their own common sense.

These are my thoughts and I know that I\m not always right but I do hope that someone will learn something from this, but I'm not gonna expect it.

 

References

1. ^ common sense, Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary.
2. ^ common sense, Cambridge Dictionaries Online.
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_sense
   

Is Self Help a bit too Selfish?

We are a selfish lot.  Constantly thinking of ourselves and less about those around us and I'm a selfish man.

And yet are we to blame in this day and age of self help, self awareness, self esteem and self development?  Self is being crammed down our throats and we as self gluttons are swallowing it up.

I know that we all need time for ourselves but this is just getting ridiculous.

I also know that on my own path of self betterment, I was constantly bombarded with information on how to help myself.  Books on self help, people telling me to be more self aware.  Heck I was spending so much time on myself that I was quickly becoming self involved and the world and my issues continued to be about me.

I do not like being in my own head for too long.  It's dark and scary at times and there's no bacon.

Thinking too much led to depression as I was going against the very nature of my humanity.  We as humans are meant to socialize with others.  For thousands of years we as nomads, travelled and lived amongst one another.  Taking care of one another.  Depending on one another.  Protecting one another.

Somehow we began to think too much of ourselves and this thought process became contagious.

What changed?  We all have our own ideas on why and how.  I, myself feel that we live in a society where folks are trying to constantly improve themselves and their lifestyle and not enough is taught of helping others and improving communities thus in turn helping ourselves.  We are bombarded by self help information and not enough on thinking for others.

I know that when I went into the helping profession and began to work on how I could help other people.  It was hard, but at the end of the day.  I was content and happy.  This worked for me.  I hope you can find a path that works for you.

Maybe this isn't a cure all for humanity but if we can just get out of ourselves at some point in our busy week I'm guessing that your own personal problems will melt away all that much quicker and someone will benefit from our kindness.

This message doesn't go out to all people out there, some of you know the benefits of helping others and relish in it.  Research even suggests that helping others is good for your health.  Go ahead and Google it and while you're at it, make me a sandwich.

I'm not a healer, I'm just a man trying to make this world better.  My ideas won't work for everybody but I do endorse what works for you if it involves not thinking of yourself too much.

Thoughts from a Bully

I am a bully.  Or at least I was as a kid.  Sometimes I still catch myself in situations where aggressive traits of my personality try to take over and I find myself controlling situations where it is not my place to assert my authority.  I've gotten better over the years and this is always a work in progress.

I'm happy that my own personal awareness and my spirit guides are around to catch myself in these moments so that I can step back and give others the chance to grow and evolve in their own personal development.
 
I've watched TV, read articles on the internet about bullying.  We're all against it.  Let's just say No!!!  We now have a huge network of suicide intervention, counselling, mentors for those who are bullied, but what of the bullies?  I'm not saying that the resources aren't out there, I'm just saying that I have yet to see any, and often find that help for those being bullied is the predominant topic when searching for such resources.

I remember as a kid being told to not bully.  Just stop doing it. I would hear words like stop, no, behave.  Confusing words for me at the time as I had so much pent up aggression.  Although I did not have the proper communication skills at the time, I often wondered what I was supposed to do with this pent up energy.  Nobody was redirecting me or showing me how to not bully other kids.  Heck my own siblings who did not know any better at the time, often encouraged me to fight other kids and I loved making them happy.

Going into my teen years, I did take a more passive approach for a spell of time.  But I often found that when passive, kids would try and bully me.  I stood up for myself but the overall attitude seemed to be eat or be eaten and I soon was back to bullying others and even relished in it.  I liked being popular.  I liked that other kids were afraid of me.  I liked the control.  It wouldn't be until years later, that I would recognize the harm I did.

Now upon reflection and years of experience, being of service to others, and educating myself.  I have come upon a realization. We all wish to belong.  It can be on a team, in an office or even at home.  There are many places that we as humans try and socially fit in.  Often times when we find our niche whether positive or negative, we stick to the trend because we have won approval of our peers.  Such as the fact that I bullied even more because of peer approval. 

This level of group think has to be adjusted cause as much as bullying is not accepted in schools, kids relish in it at times because of the camaraderie, the acceptance of others.  Heck even though I knew what it was like to be bullied myself at times by older kids.  I still negated that fact and lost empathy when caught up in moments of trying to be cool in front of my peers.

Let's accept the fact that kids want to be accepted and loved.  Not just by us parents but also by their peers.  I ask this.  Are we doing enough for them in terms of school programs and activities?  Are we putting our foot down when they go against other resources where they can redirect their energy in a positive manner? How can we make bullying more socially uncool so that kids will want to seek other ways to socially fit in?  What can we do insert change not only amongst those being bullied but in educating the bullies so that their actions can be towards a greater social good?

I feel bad for the victims of bullying and I'm not here to justify the actions of any bully, and I can't speak on why all bullies do as they do.

I'm just saying that we have to look at both sides of the coin and together solve this social issue as a community.

I'm not a healer, I'm just a man trying to make this world better.  I feel bad for bullying others but I don't let the guilt rule me. I've just been trying to balance my karma ever since then in personal restitution by trying to help others in any capacity that I can.

PHILIP ARTHUR S. GRAY
Email: philipgray444@gmail.com
Twitter: @philipgray444
http://philipgray444.blogspot.ca/
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